這是我認識你的第十個,你的生日。

我還記得你的第一個生日。那是在我們認識不久之後,也許還不到一百天吧?我們僅僅靠著每天的ICQ與信件,逐漸在彼此心中搭起了橋樑,一天一天都靠近一點。我記得很清楚,那一天我好想跟你說生日快樂,但是遲遲等不到你上線。甚至在家人都入睡之後,還偷偷用棉被包著數據機撥接上去,只希望可以跟你說話。

我在電腦的這一端想著,也許你早就有女朋友,也許你跟朋友玩得很愉快,也許本來我在你的心裡就是一點份量也沒有。寫了信給你說生日快樂,用試探的語氣問你是不是玩得很開心?所以才沒有上線。寄出之後才驚覺巨大的失落感已經主宰著我所有情緒。

那一天我終於發現,並且對自己承認,自己是喜歡著你的。

 

然後,又和你一起過了八個生日。有一年是你的表演前夕,我告訴你我不能去看,然後和你室友串通好,悄悄的帶著蛋糕出現在你寢室中。還有我們第一次分手的那年,我花光所有積蓄買了你一直很想要的Fender 57,當作你的生日禮物、畢業禮物、分手禮物。每個人都說我傻,可是那是打從和你在一起之後沒多久,就知道你喜歡的東西;也是我早已下定決心要送給你的東西。我知道那個時候不送,就再也沒機會了。

Dear J,你好嗎?雖然我們偶爾交談,但我也已經無法過問你的一切。能夠知道你的近況,對我來說已經非長足夠。太多人說我還放不下你,我從極度否認,變得不太確定。不過,那又怎樣呢?就像當初我們認識的時候也沒想過會喜歡上彼此,更別說我們一起牽手走了快樂美好的七年。於是我總告訴自己,這一切與有沒有放下無關,緣份只是還沒到而已。

今天你是和家人過,還是在她身邊呢?我無權過問,只希望你過得好。終於你也來到了二十五歲,開始必須面對社會,努力在現實與夢想中取得平衡點。祝福你,希望有一天我還能看見你拿著57,在舞台上發光發熱。

(圖為某一年我和他去旗津玩時拍下的夕陽照。)

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